Satan likes to feed me lies right when God is trying to feed me His truth. Martin was not part of God's truth. Martin did not love God and did not love me. He was a physical substitution for the space in my heart that has grown so much over time. My heart has been cluttered. Occasional High Fructose Corn Syrup solutions to my malnourished soul. Martin was not fully committed and neither was I. There was something missing on both ends. I need to write this out so I can remember. There is a reason we are no longer together. No matter how much I want to dwell on what I did wrong it will not change. 8 months of my life were spent happily unsatisfied. Satisfied with his presence, but never exchanging souls. Sharing the same bed, yet not the same heart. Still, my hearts not the same anymore.
I need to acknowledge that too. What my heart needs is to mute out the recording of lies that I have memorized in my head. Recordings that I am not good enough or never will be. Recordings that I must make everyone like me or I am letting God down. Recording that I need a man's attention in order to feel pride or security in myself. Martin was not a solution to my loneliness. Neither are my friendships no matter how strong they may be. My strength must be found in confiding with this Guy who I've tried to break up with so many times, but for some reason He keeps running back to me. Come to think of it, He's the only guy who has. I've "cheated" on God so many times, but he still desires a relationship with me. Weird. How many times do I have to tell Satan to shut up and stop trying to be my pimp. Strange analogy, but true nonetheless. Satan tries to pawn me off, as property, as something to be used and reused by his lies. Christ still loves this whore. It's a beautiful beautiful thing. I need to remember that.
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