I didn't write last night because I was too busy making bad decisions. Tonight I'm hoping that I won't repeat myself again. For my poetry class we have to write a short 3-4 page paper on one of our favorite poems. This task is a bit daunting as I love practically every poem I come in contact with. I'm stuck between two authors: Mark Doty and Benjamin Alire Saenez. Both of them evoke emotion and images that I identify very closely with and therefore each poem moves me to the point that I really don't know how to choose. Silly rant on my academics, but nonetheless, if anyone does read this they should check them out!
So I have a "date" tomorrow... not sure how that's going to go.
I'm tired and my blog has not been very inspirational lately. Hopefully I'll take more time to focus and stuff in the next one?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
June 16,2009
Silly, silly Sarah...
who can you really trust these days?
Ideas of devotion and respect are old fashioned it seems.
I want them to be resurrected, in a man.
A man who probably doesn't exist.
Criteria (warning utter shallowness lies ahead):
I want a boy with high top shoes
to sing me the black top blues
to ride up on a shiny fixed gear
and whisper sweet lyrics in my ear
bright eyes
the first day of my life
or something more surreal
he'll stroke his scruff
and show off his tough
I heart mom tattoo
But really...
I know what I want... not what I need. Not what GOD has in store for me. Somedays I honestly wonder if I'll figure it out when I'm old and grey, and a sexy man with a cane will walk by and I'll finally know love. His (God's) time is different than mine. That's for sure. I need to stop filling my emptiness with that physicality. But words and melodies just make me wish I had someone to hold.
CURRENTLY LISTENING:
Plushgun- Just Impolite
Friday night became so lonely,
When you came to make a break,
That seemed to take all day to make me angry 'cause I
Like you, maybe I'm just Like You
Holding on to something that we know we can not hold
or fold it seems it seems we just can't forget
Are you frightened, by perfection?
Is this who you are, not who you want to be,
I walk the line like Johnny Cash
I made the bus in seconds flat
I called your line too many times
I'm not obsessed, just impolite.
Sunday came and went so quickly
now you say you want me back
you will hold on, despite my cons,
it seems we're meant to hate it!
Being so dependent.
But it seems we can believe that we're two peas in this pod
we call New York, gets so lonesome.
Are you frightened, by neglection?
Am I who you want to see yourself to be?
I walk the line like Johnny Cash
I made the bus in seconds flat
I called your line too many times
I'm not obsessed, just impolite
You're stuck on me, you don't know why
Can't leave me anytime you try
They say that everybody cries
so don't think twice 'cause it's alright.
Stay here,
touching you, touching the light in your eyes
that keeps coming back
who can you really trust these days?
Ideas of devotion and respect are old fashioned it seems.
I want them to be resurrected, in a man.
A man who probably doesn't exist.
Criteria (warning utter shallowness lies ahead):
I want a boy with high top shoes
to sing me the black top blues
to ride up on a shiny fixed gear
and whisper sweet lyrics in my ear
bright eyes
the first day of my life
or something more surreal
he'll stroke his scruff
and show off his tough
I heart mom tattoo
But really...
I know what I want... not what I need. Not what GOD has in store for me. Somedays I honestly wonder if I'll figure it out when I'm old and grey, and a sexy man with a cane will walk by and I'll finally know love. His (God's) time is different than mine. That's for sure. I need to stop filling my emptiness with that physicality. But words and melodies just make me wish I had someone to hold.
CURRENTLY LISTENING:
Plushgun- Just Impolite
Friday night became so lonely,
When you came to make a break,
That seemed to take all day to make me angry 'cause I
Like you, maybe I'm just Like You
Holding on to something that we know we can not hold
or fold it seems it seems we just can't forget
Are you frightened, by perfection?
Is this who you are, not who you want to be,
I walk the line like Johnny Cash
I made the bus in seconds flat
I called your line too many times
I'm not obsessed, just impolite.
Sunday came and went so quickly
now you say you want me back
you will hold on, despite my cons,
it seems we're meant to hate it!
Being so dependent.
But it seems we can believe that we're two peas in this pod
we call New York, gets so lonesome.
Are you frightened, by neglection?
Am I who you want to see yourself to be?
I walk the line like Johnny Cash
I made the bus in seconds flat
I called your line too many times
I'm not obsessed, just impolite
You're stuck on me, you don't know why
Can't leave me anytime you try
They say that everybody cries
so don't think twice 'cause it's alright.
Stay here,
touching you, touching the light in your eyes
that keeps coming back
Monday, June 15, 2009
June 15, 2009
borders
physicality/loss of true personality/defined by an empty touch/distanced by a one night demoralizing fuck/thought you could love so much/memorizing silhouetting outlines/of the face/that put you in your place.back to the wall/head bent in submission/praying to a silent god/to prove your suspicions/and put an end to your superstitions/fingers crossed/I pinky swear/that with each last breath/I’ll thank God for the air/and science for the protest/that it wasn’t Him who put it there/there is more to this reflex/backing away from the pretext/white flags/we shun fags/and throw ou the dirty rags/not healed from our leprosy/our lack of controlled celibacy/we lose every limb we had once intended to keep/its just a physicality/this thing between you and me/not it’s not deep/secrets we never intended to keep/like how you fucked that girl/instead of me/how I ran away from home/watched my life bleed/but it’s blood that wiped me clean/and dreams that keep me sane/no longer the same/yet I wince at your name/at your picture/the fixation/the realization/is to come in time/yet for now now/lost in the how/I could write on and on/ what worth are words/well they are my soul/but tonight they they are what it takes to make me a little bit more whole/a broken record plays through my head/sleep won’t come/neither will the waking dead/I spit on the ground/wait for the sound/disapproval/removal/from living in acceptance/my selfish negligence/ write words/shout a curse/my tongue swerves/my lips curve/I whisper/STOP/the clock drops/its meandering hand/on the small of my back/borders crossed/time lost/my eyes are not for turning back
physicality/loss of true personality/defined by an empty touch/distanced by a one night demoralizing fuck/thought you could love so much/memorizing silhouetting outlines/of the face/that put you in your place.back to the wall/head bent in submission/praying to a silent god/to prove your suspicions/and put an end to your superstitions/fingers crossed/I pinky swear/that with each last breath/I’ll thank God for the air/and science for the protest/that it wasn’t Him who put it there/there is more to this reflex/backing away from the pretext/white flags/we shun fags/and throw ou the dirty rags/not healed from our leprosy/our lack of controlled celibacy/we lose every limb we had once intended to keep/its just a physicality/this thing between you and me/not it’s not deep/secrets we never intended to keep/like how you fucked that girl/instead of me/how I ran away from home/watched my life bleed/but it’s blood that wiped me clean/and dreams that keep me sane/no longer the same/yet I wince at your name/at your picture/the fixation/the realization/is to come in time/yet for now now/lost in the how/I could write on and on/ what worth are words/well they are my soul/but tonight they they are what it takes to make me a little bit more whole/a broken record plays through my head/sleep won’t come/neither will the waking dead/I spit on the ground/wait for the sound/disapproval/removal/from living in acceptance/my selfish negligence/ write words/shout a curse/my tongue swerves/my lips curve/I whisper/STOP/the clock drops/its meandering hand/on the small of my back/borders crossed/time lost/my eyes are not for turning back
Sunday, June 14, 2009
June 14, 2009
Very, very, tired...
I'm mad at myself for having so many thoughts, but not feeling like putting forth the effort to put them into words.
I'm struggling with the friendship thing. I'm glad for those I have, but often I want more. I need to be more grateful I guess.
Tomorrow I'll try and write more.
I hate pining over people I will probably never meet...
that is all...
goodnight
I'm mad at myself for having so many thoughts, but not feeling like putting forth the effort to put them into words.
I'm struggling with the friendship thing. I'm glad for those I have, but often I want more. I need to be more grateful I guess.
Tomorrow I'll try and write more.
I hate pining over people I will probably never meet...
that is all...
goodnight
Saturday, June 13, 2009
June 13, 2009
So, I'm trying to make this a daily thing. However, I seem to always let the frivolous little following get in the way. I'll check my e-mail, see what friends are up to on facebook, see if any decent guys have "stalked" me on okcupid... all very stupid, time consuming acts not by any means adding to who I am as a person.
So I blog.
Tonight I watched "He's Just Not that into You" with my mom and my sister. I really don't like chick flicks because they leave me feeling just like I'm feeling at this very moment... alone. This is a constant struggle and something I whine and complain about way too often. I'm constantly searching for the magical knight in shining armour to come ride up on his shiny fixed gear... tattoos and bearded scruff... musky aroma... singing out to me lyrics from Bright Eyes and Death Cab... "I will follow you into the dark" But no luck yet, and my journey, well I haven't really just let the knight come to me, I've been in hot persuit, and it's gotten me no good leads. So, do I follow the movie and just wait for a man to come along? You know they say that in the movies, but then someone always comes along... Oh Eisley... "I went for so long, and I was so wrong, but then I found you, and now I can't live without you, and I don't want to..." This is not as constructive as I'd hoped...
Two years ago I started doing this thing called "online dating" and let me tell you it has allotted for some interesting "relationships"...
sex driven relationships
used
complimented
belonging
but ultimately... smaller...
I know that you never loved me;
I know that you never cared at all,
No my love we can't be friends,
In fact I liked you much better
When you'd just pretend.
What am I searching for?
So I blog.
Tonight I watched "He's Just Not that into You" with my mom and my sister. I really don't like chick flicks because they leave me feeling just like I'm feeling at this very moment... alone. This is a constant struggle and something I whine and complain about way too often. I'm constantly searching for the magical knight in shining armour to come ride up on his shiny fixed gear... tattoos and bearded scruff... musky aroma... singing out to me lyrics from Bright Eyes and Death Cab... "I will follow you into the dark" But no luck yet, and my journey, well I haven't really just let the knight come to me, I've been in hot persuit, and it's gotten me no good leads. So, do I follow the movie and just wait for a man to come along? You know they say that in the movies, but then someone always comes along... Oh Eisley... "I went for so long, and I was so wrong, but then I found you, and now I can't live without you, and I don't want to..." This is not as constructive as I'd hoped...
Two years ago I started doing this thing called "online dating" and let me tell you it has allotted for some interesting "relationships"...
sex driven relationships
used
complimented
belonging
but ultimately... smaller...
I know that you never loved me;
I know that you never cared at all,
No my love we can't be friends,
In fact I liked you much better
When you'd just pretend.
What am I searching for?
Friday, June 12, 2009
june 12, 2009
"These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men. Therefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish."
This verse compelled me today. Not sure why, but it captured my interest. Lately, I have been crying out more and more with a lack of answers, or atleast the answers I want. My soul is not in it's healthiest position. I'm of this world and in this world and I don't really care. I go to church for community, yet I think secretly I just want to find my soulmate, and the decent guys are all in the church pews or on their knees, right? I know I'm not persuing healthy things. I know these "rules taught by men", but I don't really feel the need to follow them. What damage does it do to disconnect, to sleep around, or to drink socially, with a limit of course- as long as there is no attachment or dependency involved. But there is, especially for me. God gave me the strong desire to love people, and this love, well lately, it hasn't been used to glorify Him as it should. The Lord says in this verse that he will "astound" with "wonder upon wonder" and I've been hearing it over and over again, that if I just listen to God and if I meditate on what He wants me to hear I will see wonders outside of this world... but I'm not. Patience, perhaps.
music makes sense... that's about it for now... I'm listening and waiting...
This verse compelled me today. Not sure why, but it captured my interest. Lately, I have been crying out more and more with a lack of answers, or atleast the answers I want. My soul is not in it's healthiest position. I'm of this world and in this world and I don't really care. I go to church for community, yet I think secretly I just want to find my soulmate, and the decent guys are all in the church pews or on their knees, right? I know I'm not persuing healthy things. I know these "rules taught by men", but I don't really feel the need to follow them. What damage does it do to disconnect, to sleep around, or to drink socially, with a limit of course- as long as there is no attachment or dependency involved. But there is, especially for me. God gave me the strong desire to love people, and this love, well lately, it hasn't been used to glorify Him as it should. The Lord says in this verse that he will "astound" with "wonder upon wonder" and I've been hearing it over and over again, that if I just listen to God and if I meditate on what He wants me to hear I will see wonders outside of this world... but I'm not. Patience, perhaps.
music makes sense... that's about it for now... I'm listening and waiting...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
introductions are in order
today
june 11
summer of 2009
i don't know what's in me entirely
i figure that perhaps
it's what's in me
that's making me question again
question morales
and where i get my meaning
writing has always helped
my relentless cries
that's why i started this today
talking it out has been great
but i figure i spend so much time on the internet
facebook
silly dating cites
myspace
searching
i could try to put this search into a concrete blog
i'm probably behind the times
a diary has been my main source of escape for as long as i can remember
but there's something about the methodic tapping of the keys
its musical
so
who knows what will come about
perhaps it's just the dreary day turned into sunshine
mother nature having her way with my emotions
but i feel like this will be good for me
i am a runaway
while i try to cling on to this world
i fall farther and farther away from Him
"outwardly i waste away...
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day"
i can't seem to fix my eyes on the right thing
i hope that writing about this
and inviting criticism
and critique
and honesty
will build be up
i am a runaway
and relentlessly
i cry
more of you
less of me
i want to draw near
june 11
summer of 2009
i don't know what's in me entirely
i figure that perhaps
it's what's in me
that's making me question again
question morales
and where i get my meaning
writing has always helped
my relentless cries
that's why i started this today
talking it out has been great
but i figure i spend so much time on the internet
silly dating cites
myspace
searching
i could try to put this search into a concrete blog
i'm probably behind the times
a diary has been my main source of escape for as long as i can remember
but there's something about the methodic tapping of the keys
its musical
so
who knows what will come about
perhaps it's just the dreary day turned into sunshine
mother nature having her way with my emotions
but i feel like this will be good for me
i am a runaway
while i try to cling on to this world
i fall farther and farther away from Him
"outwardly i waste away...
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day"
i can't seem to fix my eyes on the right thing
i hope that writing about this
and inviting criticism
and critique
and honesty
will build be up
i am a runaway
and relentlessly
i cry
more of you
less of me
i want to draw near
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