Be In the Light.

This artificial fluorescent lighting.
All these placebo prayers.
It hurts to scrape your knees-
and to look up,
and break down.
His Glorious Light!
I have been fed.
Vitamin G-O-D.
Yahweh.
I want to walk in Your light.
No longer in the shadows.

Advice

I'm reading a Donald Miller book, "Searching For God Knows What" and finding it is full of advice. Swear to God every other page is marked or highlighted. So I guess this is a healthy step away from spending hours on Facebook or cyber-stalking my ex boyfriend. Found out he's going to San Diego for some reason. Why should I care or feel need for validation? Not sure. Actually I am sure, because for 8 months my validation came through him. My decision making process was based on him. In this book I'm reading Miller talks a lot about this void, this attempt to play the part for society and climb the social ladder because it models to us the love we once shared with God. I was getting my love and my affirmation from a direct source when I was with Martin. It sounds harsh to say that God is not a direct source. That's not what I meant by that. What I meant was that, for me, it was easier to search out momentary affirmation that I could obtain without much work. It seems like since we have been separated from God as a result of the fall, our fallen nature makes it so that we have a difficult time feeling affirmed by God. Look at how much time I spent with Martin. All that attention and now he is not in my life. So, I do what is natural an normal, I start searching it out in other forms: friends, family, academics, partying. Why can't I do the obvious good thing and search out God's unlimited affirmations for my heart? He is full of Goodness and Grace that is there for me 24/7. So, I guess, reading this book I should start looking different places for meaning and such, yet I don't. It's a cycle and a trick that we don't need God. We do. He is where we are made worthwhile. He is where we need to find our meaning- not in our friendships, or our hardships, or finances or romances. We need to meet Him wherever we are and to allow ourselves to feel unworthy and unholy and broken and ugly and used- all the emotions we would never want the popular voice to hear. For with whatever place we are at in our life, God wants to meet us there, and affirm us and let us know that we have fallen from Him, but He is still there to help pick us up- over and over again. Then maybe we can begin to start falling for Him.

Why I'm not With Martin

Satan likes to feed me lies right when God is trying to feed me His truth. Martin was not part of God's truth. Martin did not love God and did not love me. He was a physical substitution for the space in my heart that has grown so much over time. My heart has been cluttered. Occasional High Fructose Corn Syrup solutions to my malnourished soul. Martin was not fully committed and neither was I. There was something missing on both ends. I need to write this out so I can remember. There is a reason we are no longer together. No matter how much I want to dwell on what I did wrong it will not change. 8 months of my life were spent happily unsatisfied. Satisfied with his presence, but never exchanging souls. Sharing the same bed, yet not the same heart. Still, my hearts not the same anymore.
I need to acknowledge that too. What my heart needs is to mute out the recording of lies that I have memorized in my head. Recordings that I am not good enough or never will be. Recordings that I must make everyone like me or I am letting God down. Recording that I need a man's attention in order to feel pride or security in myself. Martin was not a solution to my loneliness. Neither are my friendships no matter how strong they may be. My strength must be found in confiding with this Guy who I've tried to break up with so many times, but for some reason He keeps running back to me. Come to think of it, He's the only guy who has. I've "cheated" on God so many times, but he still desires a relationship with me. Weird. How many times do I have to tell Satan to shut up and stop trying to be my pimp. Strange analogy, but true nonetheless. Satan tries to pawn me off, as property, as something to be used and reused by his lies. Christ still loves this whore. It's a beautiful beautiful thing. I need to remember that.

Body and not the Bread

I'm sick of you sending me Biblical verse
as if they are a cure-
rather, from your lips a curse.
For what could be worse?
I am not found in a page outworn-
I am found in the midst of a storm,
treading water as the King cries out
for me to walk
follow believe.
You send me words
but I drown in the thought
that you never felt an inch for me
and look at how far I've got.
I want, need, to wish you had never said hello-
For I will never be what you want
simply a sister in a large family
I cannot fulfill this companionship
when I want the body and not the bread.

nicotine

Nicotine notes
of missed goodbyes.
Torn threads,
Ragged remains-
passing for our hollow hello.
You know and-
I know,
That, this-
well, this isn't going anywhere.
I tried to give it life.
You kept up the breathing,
but your asthmatic rhythm-
Cut us off.
I soaked up your toxicity,
your second-hand excuses.
I forgive you for taking my lungs,
and filling them with air-
that left me,
once breathless
now grounded and gasping.
I'm picking up the scent again,
of gravel and bike grease.
I'm tying my shoes twice
as if somehow
the decay in my deepest, cavernous parts,
will stop.
Nicotine kills quietly yet chaotic-
a scent of you beneath it's musk.

I didn't blog yesterday because I was absolutely exhausted as I am tonight, but my blog and my life deserve some attention. Bare with me as this may be a very random and un-centered rant...

Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist and I am NOT looking forward to it! My gums are decayed and disgusting and I know it's my own fault. So I deserve it. I deserve the massice pain my mouth is going to be in tomorrow. God, it's going to hurt. I just flossed and there was a bloodbath, I"m pretty sure that's not supposed to happen. Hopefully I will be okay... yikes!

In other news, I cheated... I went on facebook on my phone... and I feel like giving up. I miss talking to him at night. I'm sure he doesn't even think twice. But that's what I'm trying to avoid, right? Men. But what if talking to him was good for me? We talked about things of worth and value. I miss it. I wish I could just stop.

Work has been good lately, getting along better with my co-workers. I actually got to make drinks today which was wonderful! I love working the bar so much.

So many sows I want to go to: Atmosphere, Monolith, Rod Stewart... lol

Well, nothing deep tonight... perhaps another day.

Scones and Thunderstorsm

It was so hard...
my morning routine has been broken. I typically grab my coffee and facebook every morning and my ritual has been halted by my awakening. One of my awakenings occurred only a few hours argo. I realized tonight how precious family is. In the midst of late night scone creations a possible tornado warning invaded our quiet evening. We all rushed to the basement, some more hesitant than others, to turn on the television to reassure ourselves of the eminent danger or the childish fear that dragged us away from the floury mess upstairs on the kitchen counter. While we sat watching the reporter indicate when and where the storm was hitting around us, my sister browsed through an old journal I had written back in 1st grade. I am proud to say that I was quite the articulate six-year-old. However, a lot of even way back when was spent on me desiring for this and that person to be my friend. "I like Julie, Annn, and Melissa but Julie is my best friend!" Cute, I know, right? Now flash forward to today... I still am longing for that community. It seemed so much easier when we were little, right? Now there are so many things that can get in the way. Still, there is a group of people in my life that I haven't given enough recognition; my family. My family has loved me through thick and thin. I have let them down a lot lately, and I get a lot of smack from them sometimes, but they still love me. But I'm scared. What if I mess up so bad that they don't want to love me anymore? Who will I turn to then? I know I can always turn to God, but I need community here. I need touch, not the type I've been searching out lately, but just a hug. It sounds silly, but it's a vital part of me. I love my family and I know they love me, I'm just worried that if they knew the whole me they wouldn't feel like loving me so much anymore. I pray that You will give me Trust Lord that my family will take care of me no matter how far i have fallen. Please keep me safe and forgive me for my mistakes. I really can't afford to have them follow me anymore. I want to change and be that child eagerly writing in her journal of all the friends she made and the seemingly uninteresting adventures she has taken part in. Now it's time to sleep... I love You Lord.